The terrible pop song is an art. However, it is rarely penned by the artist performing it. It needs a bouncy beat. It usually involves lyrics about a really good or really bad relationship. It’s often sung in another language or by a non-native English speaker. It can be heard playing in Charlotte Russe or a similar cheap n trendy store. It MUST be catchy, to the point that you consider breaking your own skull just to make it stop endlessly repeating in your mind.
I’d like to argue that shitty pop songs are best enjoyed in your own home, while you’re getting drunk and finding a colorful outfit to wear out. This allows you to dance around half-clothed and sing along in your mirror as you apply mascara.
If this sounds like a nightmare to you, please stop reading now before I embarrass myself. You are too cool for me. But if you remember your terrible taste in music circa seventh grade and how excited you were before the middle school dance, and you’d like to recreate that feeling — but with booze! — read on.
Playlist: Shitty Pop Songs
1. Sugababes — Hole in the Head
I know nothing about this British pop trio, other than the fact that this song is great, and apparently they like to hang out entwined on couches while wearing awesome tights and underwear. Me too, you guys!
Key lyric: But late at night when I’m feeling blue/ I’d sell my ass before I think of you.
2. Atomic Kitten — Eternal Flame
3. B*Witched — C’est La Vie
4. Dirtie Blonde — Outta My Bed
5. Eden’s Crush — You Know I Can
Yeah, that’s Nicole Sherzinger, pre- pussycat dolls. Eden’s Crush is so good. They were the creation of the reality TV show Popstars, which I watched every week without fail. I bought the cd as soon as it came out. I was so into them. Seriously, if you, on rare occasions enjoy Britney or the Pussycat Dolls, go out to your nearest media outlet $5 bin and pick up a copy of Popstars. Nearly every song is a great shitty pop song.
Key lyric: If you wanna know/Can I do you right/ Can I make you want me/ You know I can.
6. Joga — Bye Bye Baby Balloon
7. Ashlee Simpson — Love Me For Me
8. Lucy Woodward — The Trouble With Me
9. BoA — Nanairoto Ashita (Brand New Beat)
Apparently this girl’s a big deal in Korea and Japan. How could she not be? She’s so badass. Yeah, it’s not in English, for the most part, and yet it’s still totally catchy.
Key lyric: so cool/so bright/feel so good
10. Sarina Paris — Look At Us Baby
11. Stella Soleil — Kiss Kiss
12. Aslyn — Wally
13. tAtU — Friend or Foe
14. Nur Ein Wort — Wir sind Helden
15. Utada — Exodus ‘04
16. A*Teens — Upside Down
So you might be familiar with this one, but have you seen them perform in person? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I’ve had the privilege, and let me tell you — there were matching private-school costumes and so much choreographed dancing.
Key lyric: I don’t know why-yi-yi/but dreaming’s all I do (oo oo)